OUR BLOG

“Loneliness is a subjective feeling where the connections we need are greater than the connections we have.” – Dr. Vivek Murthy

You don’t have to be alone to feel lonely.

Caregivers often feel alone when the loved ones we care for are withdrawn or unable to connect with the rest of the world in traditional ways. We also can get caught up in always trying to do something for someone else. This can lead to a feeling of loneliness as we disconnect from the rest of the world … and even from ourselves. Unchecked over the long term, this disconnect can make it hard for us to identify our own needs and seek support from others when we need it. To break through the loneliness, we need to find healthy ways to reconnect with others and ourselves.

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot.” – Jamie Anderson

We experienced an unusual spectacle in northeast Ohio and many other parts of the country this week as people came together to celebrate a few minutes of darkness in the middle of the day during the total solar eclipse. While the idea of an eclipse can be used to symbolize many things, I couldn’t help thinking that it was a perfect metaphor for our topic this week – grief and loss. 

“It takes both sides to build a bridge.” – Fredrik Nael

A lot of what we talk about at Courage to Caregivers involves the self – self-growth, self-knowledge, self-empowerment. But this month, we’re expanding our view as we consider our place within common humanity. And this week’s topic of building bridges is all about understanding, interacting with, and showing support for others.

As a caregiver, do you feel you're mindful (living in the present moment) or is your mind full (overwhelmed, scattered, trying to do too much, or multi-tasking)?
 
For me, I find myself constantly teetering between BOTH, but if I'm being honest, I most often find my mind FULL. But 2023 my intention was to be more present - for myself and others. I made a concerted effort in my goal setting to focus on the here and now. 2023 quickly became one of my most challenging caregiving years. Caring for aging parents (and bonus parents), as well as a young adult with a traumatic brain injury, is hard on a good day - and we had many road blocks with detours in 2023. I lost sight of ME and felt pulled in too many directions. 
 
Mindfulness is the ability to focus on the present moment while calmly recognizing and accepting your thoughts, feelings, and body sensations. Mindfulness is being fully present, aware of where you are and what you’re doing while not being overly reactive or overwhelmed by what is happening around you. When you are mindful you are free of both the past and future and free of judgment of right and wrong. Mindfulness for caregivers means learning to live in the moment, accepting the reality of your situation, and filtering out distractions.

Check out our entire March Newsletter focused on MINDFULNESS here!

“A good laugh heals a lot of hurts.” – Madeleine L’Engle, “A Ring of Endless Light”

This week’s topic seems like it should be easy, but sometimes it feels like the hardest thing in the world. Caregiving can put us on an emotional roller coaster at times, filled with stress, decision-making, and sacrifice. Taking a moment to experience happiness and laughter may feel awkward or inappropriate at those times, but it’s also a great way to cope and might be exactly what we need as a stress reliever.

“Now is the time to be aware of the present moment. I let go of the past and the future.” – Positive Psychology

Have you ever truly focused on something simple that you’re doing … without any distractions … something like eating a strawberry? If you do, you might notice both the simplicity and the richness of your action and the strawberry. You might close your eyes, take small bites, and savor the taste, smell, and feel of the strawberry with each bite. In doing so, you become fully present in that moment, and you may feel a sense of peace or wonder come over you.

“You feel angry? … You feel great? … This too shall pass.” – Tom Hanks

You probably know that we’re all about empowerment at Courage to Caregivers. And one of the best ways we can empower ourselves is by truly understanding our feelings and emotions – what we feel, why we feel that way, and how to keep our emotions from gaining control over us.

By learning to regulate our emotions, we are able to get back to our emotional center. This doesn’t mean we should try to suppress our feelings or pretend they don’t exist. We’re talking about recognizing our emotions for what they are – natural, instinctive responses that are neither good nor bad in and of themselves. It’s how we act after feeling those emotions that makes all the difference.

“Self-compassion is a balance of TENDER – accepting ourselves – and FIERCE – taking action – to alleviate suffering.” – Dr. Kristin Neff 

Like so many things for caregivers, when it comes to feeling compassion for ourselves in the same way that we feel it for others, it can be hard. We become accustomed to showing compassion for loved ones and others who are struggling or suffering, but we don’t always treat ourselves the same way.

Just like everyone else, we have good days and bad days. But on those bad days when we struggle, our inner dialogue may become critical and harsh. And while we may think that we’re just being honest with ourselves and taking responsibility for poor behavior, what we’re really doing is denying ourselves the self-compassion that we deserve – the same kind of compassion that we freely show for others.

“The good life is using your signature strengths every day to produce authentic happiness and abundant gratification.” – Martin Seligman

As we focus on the theme of self-discovery this month, a key element in truly knowing ourselves is to identify our strengths. This is so important for caregivers because we often fail to recognize all of the strengths that we must draw upon as we focus on helping others. As a result, we can lose sight of ourselves, including all of our unique capabilities and strengths that lie at the core of who we are.

“(Joy is) the light that emanates from us when we help each other carry our sorrows. And that notion of joy to me, it sort of suggests something of entanglement.” – Ross Gay

We’ve been talking about finding joy for a long time now because joy is a core emotion that can be so beneficial to caregivers when we need to counteract uncomfortable emotions such as sadness. So it may be surprising to find some new ideas on how to think about joy. Yet, that’s exactly what I discovered when I read the remarkable book Inciting Joy, a collection of essays by poet and author Ross Gay.

Gay focuses on the entanglement of joy. He defines joy as “the ways that we practice our entanglement. … And when I say entanglement, I mean like being fundamentally connected to one another. All of these things like gardening or pick-up basketball or skateboarding or … aspects of school at its best. … There are these sites where we get the opportunity to practice being entangled with one another.”

January is often a time of reflection, and a new year offers new beginnings. Throughout January we have been focused on our theme of SETTING INTENTIONS. An intention is a personal commitment from YOU to YOU - how do you want to BE/become? Setting intentions requires a great deal of self-awareness. We started with mapping your journey, then explored expectations and open-mindedness, and rounded out with moving from survival to thrival.

Here are 5 tools for setting intentions in 2024:

1. Start with mindfulness and come as you ARE. With a focus on inner peace, notice and connect with the most authentic version of yourself - with intention. 

2. Next, what's most important to you - what are your core values? And leverage your strengths! 

3. Then, remember, YOU are the designer of your own life. Who do you want to BE/become? What do you want more of? 

4. Cultivate the power of intentional thinking - your mindset matters - how will you show up in 2024 for YOU? 

5. Practice self-compassion as you plan for obstacles - be gentle with yourself - I have confidence you're doing the best you can in this moment with what you have. Focus on progress, not perfection.

Check out our entire January newsletter focused on SETTING INTENTIONS here!

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.” ~ Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Let’s face it, living in survival mode is the most natural thing in the world. How many times have you ended the day saying, “I managed to survive another day”? Sometimes, that’s the best we can hope for.

But when it comes to our ongoing growth and development, mere survival doesn’t mean we’re making progress. Although striving to survive is natural and necessary, we need to find ways to move beyond survival mode and do what we need to thrive. This involves understanding our emotions and directing our responses more toward self-compassion, self-health, and self-growth.

In our conversations with caregivers, expectations come up all the time. Most of them have something to do with our loved ones, and many can be classified as “stealth expectations,” which we may not even realize that we have, even though they do exist. Such expectations can be harmful – to ourselves, our growth, and those around us – so this week, we’re discussing how to manage expectations.

“One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through, and it will be someone else’s survival guide.” – Brené Brown

The beginning of a new year is a great time to celebrate for a couple of reasons. First, we can look back at the prior year and reflect on all the things we achieved and how much progress we made along our journey. Even though we may have faced challenges along the way, my guess is that there are many things – big or small – that you can point to that helped you grow throughout the year.

“Turn your obstacles into opportunities and your problems into possibilities.”

– Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

Last week, we talked about how we all have a choice in the way we respond to stress – we can either let it get the best of us, or we can have the courage to tackle it head on with our best coping strategies. This week’s topic, opportunity and possibility, also relates to the choices we make. As the quote above implies, our choices and our positive mindset can determine whether something is an obstacle or an opportunity, a problem or a possibility.

As caregivers, we know how things can change from relative peace to chaos in the blink of an eye. But did you know that the opposite can be true, as well? With a little courage and mindfulness, we can disrupt the chaos, tap into our inner calm, and gain the strength we need to manage the stress of daily life.

"Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard and valued - when they can give and receive without judgment." ~ Brené Brown 

As human beings we are hard-wired for collaboration. Our brains have a need to connect with others in order to thrive. Throughout November we focused on learning to say no, managing perceptions, compare and despair, as well as forgiveness and gratitude all as ways to collaborate. 

As caregivers, we often feel isolated and alone in our caregiving. The journey as a mental illness caregiver is especially lonely, as we feel it isn’t OUR story to tell - it’s our loved one’s story of living with mental illness (or other chronic or serious illness). 

As caregivers, we often feel judged or shamed for our actions (or lack of actions) - and this makes it hard to connect with those we feel "don't understand" or in relationships where we don't feel safe sharing – or being vulnerable – as our most authentic true selves.

Courage to Caregivers brings together caregivers and has created a community of CARE. A place where you’ll never feel alone in your caregiving again. Where you are accepted for who you are (and that's SO much MORE than "just" your caregiving responsibilities). 

We are here to support you - as a caregiver - as YOU - in your personal growth journey towards greater health and well-being. 💙 When you take care of yourself (too), you provide better care to those you love. 

As caregivers - we can support each other. Remember, you are never alone. We are here for you in your journey of caring. We're SO serious about this - that during the Holidays we've added daily weekday availability to "Meet Up" via Zoom. See article below for all the details! 

5 TOOLS TO CONNECT WITH COURAGE

1. BE PRESENT: Turn off your notifications and devices; take a break from your to-do lists.

2. ACTIVE LISTENING: Notice your body language - listen to understand (not to respond).

3. BE VULNERABLE: Be your authentic true self.

4. BE EMPATHETIC: Empathy is NOT sympathy. Empathy is feeling "with" another person. Put yourself in the other person's shoes. 

5. ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED: Be specific - people want to support you! ​​​​​​​​Keep a list handy so you're always ready for "how can I help you?"

Check out our entire November newsletter focused on COLLABORATION here.

"Forgiveness is a form of gratitude. When we forgive others, we show them the mercy that we have often received and been thankful for." ~ Sarah Ban Breathnach

In keeping with the season, our topic this week is forgiveness and gratitude – both of which enable us to gain more control and empowerment in our lives. Forgiveness allows us to let go of our resentments and move on with our lives. Gratitude allows us to recognize all the good things that happen every day.

When we practice gratitude as a mindset, it doesn’t mean that we ignore the bad things. It means that we can also focus on all the good things, big or small, like our relationship with our loved one, our bond with our pet, or just a simple pleasure like a hot cup of coffee. We realize that life is not all terrible, that we do have a lot to be thankful for, and that there is hope.  

"Comparison is the thief of JOY." ~ Theodore Roosevelt

It’s not often that our topic for the week is all about an unhealthy thinking style. But the inclination to compare and despair is so common and seemingly natural for us that we need to recognize it for exactly what it is: a type of distorted thinking that can lead to depression, anxiety, shame, jealousy, self-criticism, low self-esteem, and lack of self-confidence. So it’s definitely something we need to address whenever we find ourselves falling into its trap.

“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” – Henry David Thoreau

Let’s face it, the way we look at the world can often determine the way we form our opinions, our values, and even who we are. That’s why managing our perceptions is so crucial to self-growth. In many challenging situations, our perceptions are all we have to guide us.

“Saying NO can be the ultimate self-care.” ~ Claudia Black

This week’s topic involves one of the most courageous actions you can take: saying no.

Caregivers often get pulled in many different directions, and we may discover that some things just aren’t “right” for us to take on at this point in our lives. In those cases, we need to learn to say no. Saying no helps us establish and enforce healthy boundaries on our time, energy, and space, to ensure that we can put our best selves forward for those who need us, and for ourselves. Failure to hold firm to these boundaries can leave us feeling overburdened and overcommitted.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes the courage is the quiet at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow.'" ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

You may have wondered why we chose COURAGE to be a part of our nonprofit's name. For me, courage is something that is essential in a caregiver’s tool box, and it often feels ‘depleted.’ Courage to Caregivers aims to support caregivers by empowering them to channel their ‘inner’ courage - whether it’s a little or a lot. And, yes, it doesn’t always roar!

Brené Brown says it best in her book The Gifts of Imperfection: "The root of the word courage is cor – the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage had a very different definition than it does today. Courage originally meant ‘To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.’

“Over time, this definition has changed, and today, courage is more synonymous with being heroic. Heroics is important and we certainly need heroes, but I think we’ve lost touch with the idea that speaking honestly and openly about who we are, about what we’re feeling, and about our experiences (good and bad) is the definition of courage. Heroics is often about putting our life on the line. Ordinary courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line. In today’s world that’s pretty extraordinary.”

We show ordinary courage in those micro-moments we demonstrate every day as caregivers. It may feel like micro-courage - yet, showing up every day and being vulnerable – that’s ordinary courage. It can be HARD - it definitely takes EXTRAordinary bravery and strength.

In The Courage Habit: How to Accept Your Fears, Release the Past, and Live Your Courageous Life, author Kate Swoboda shares four habits that supports us in cultivating courage - 1) accessing the body; 2) listening without attachment; 3) reframing limiting stories; and 4) reaching out and creating community.  At Courage to Caregivers we're all about creating courageous communities as we support caregivers in building their courage muscles. Courageous communities give us the support we need to face challenges ... together. Swoboda invites us to consider "where are the courage-based relationships in your life that will make up your courageous community?" Who embodies the courage qualities of vulnerability, optimism, empathy, compassion, and kindness? Find someone to practice courageous connection or join one of our group coaching sessions where you'll get lots of practice. Practice leads to creating sustainable habits that, over time, will transform your life! 

Check out our entire October newsletter focused on COURAGE here.

I’m a perfectly imperfect perpetual work in progress. ~ Me

Maybe it’s because I’m a lifelong learner… maybe it’s because I’m curious … maybe it’s because I embrace a growth mindset … I look at every interaction with another person as an opportunity for growth. Nothing ventured - nothing gained.

However, although I don’t consider myself a “perfectionist,” I do like things a certain way. 

This week’s topic of progress over perfection encapsulates all of this month's topics - finding strength amidst adversity and learning from mistakes.

“Your past mistakes are meant to guide you, not define you.” – Elisha Goldstein

Making mistakes is a part of life. But the way we respond and manage our behaviors and emotions when we make mistakes is the focus of our topic this week. By learning from mistakes, we can follow the advice of Elisha Goldstein in the quote above, to let our mistakes guide us rather than define us.

Tenacity is your ability to stick with it when things get hard. Caregivers are no strangers to HARD things. The challenges come at us daily. Sometimes they knock us down - and sometimes we're ready.

Having tenacity doesn't mean that we'll never FALL. AND, it's not about how long we're DOWN when we do. Tenacity is all about the getting UP. Getting up requires STRENGTH of all kinds - physical, mental and emotional. When we fall down - and we all know we will fall again - we need to start by pausing. Notice. Take the time and space you need to rest and recover. You'll need your strength to both get up and be ready for the next time. It can be cold and lonely when we fall - yet, Courage to Caregivers is here to support you as you STRENGTHEN your tenacity muscles. 

When our kids were little (they're not so little any more at 28-30-32), I took part in a book group at school where we read "The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Using Timeless Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children" by Wendy Mogel. As we dug into TENACITY this month (a concept I also learned when my kids were in elementary school) - the teaching from "Blessing of a Skinned Knee" on coping with frustration was likely the most relevant. "Treating children's daily distresses as an expected and unalarming part of life is an effective way to discourage them from turning small difficulties into big dramas. We can help children become calmer and more resilient by staying calm ourselves." ~ Wendy Mogel, "The Blessing of a Skinned Knee." 

It takes a great deal of tenacity to navigate life's challenges AND as caregivers, supporting our loved ones in cultivating their tenacity, too. 💙

Check out entire September newsletter focused on Tenacity here.