Boundaries Define a Healthier You

We talk a lot about boundaries in mental health and caregiving, so this week’s topic of healthy boundaries always generates some good discussion. And as we’ve spent so much effort on physical distancing during the past 15 months of the global pandemic, we’ve become much more attentive to each other’s personal boundaries.

For example, now when I see someone I haven’t seen in person for many months, I often find myself asking, “Are you accepting hugs?” In many ways, the rules have changed, and we’re still trying to find our way. We're all a little hesitant about what feels appropriate for ourselves and each other. I think we’re realizing more than we did before that we don't all have the same physical boundaries, and it’s important to respect that.

Boundaries are the guidelines, rules, or limits that a person creates to maintain their own safety and health when interacting with others. A personal boundary is like a fence or wall that protects those who are inside as well as those who are outside. These boundaries may be stated or unstated, tend to change over time or as situations change, are unique to every person, and are an essential part of any healthy, growth-oriented relationship.

To set and maintain healthy boundaries, first examine your current boundaries (or lack of boundaries) with significant people in your life. Do you find it hard to say “no,” or do you feel responsible for the happiness of others? If so, you may need to set stronger boundaries. And when you do say “no,” you don’t have to justify it or give an excuse – just say it. Then, if someone is unwilling to respect that boundary, you may need to set consequences and be willing to follow through with them. This shows that you are serious about maintaining the boundary. Of course, you also need to recognize and observe the boundaries of others just as you expect them to respect yours.

And here’s what Anne Katherine, author of Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, says in her blog: “Boundary setting is a skill, like reading, skating, or watering plants. The first time you do it, it feels awkward and unnatural. Then the more you practice setting boundaries, the better you will get at it. One day you’ll realize you protected something important to you with grace and effectiveness.” She also has some tips in a new book called Boundaries in an Overconnected World.

When we set healthy boundaries, we support our self-care and our self-esteem by pointing out what makes us feel uncomfortable or unsafe. And when we say “no,” we actually gain respect from others by standing up for ourselves.

Remember, it’s healthy and appropriate to put YOUR needs first, and you might be surprised with the results.