You Don’t Need Me to Tell You How Strong You Are

I’ll admit that writing about this week’s topic – strength amidst adversity – has been harder than usual. It’s true that when we face adversity, our strength is put to the test, and we may learn that we are stronger than we thought. Yet, in my experience, hearing others tell me how “strong” I am has often sounded so shallow and even invalidating of my own feelings … and I’ve wondered why this is so.

I’ve also heard similar comments from other caregivers over the past few years. After hearing repeatedly how strong we are, we begin to feel that others define us not by who we are but by how we respond to our struggles. Our “strength” becomes another standard that we feel we have to live up to, and it becomes hard to admit that we might not be that strong … that it’s OK not to be OK.

That’s why I’ve stopped saying, “You’re so strong!” Instead, I’ve started saying things like, “That does sound hard. I’m proud of you.”

On the other hand, when it comes to self-talk, one of my favorite mantras is “I AM STRONG – I CAN DO HARD THINGS – I have overcome 100% of my hardest days so far.” There are some days when I need a pep talk like this, and saying those words can help, even though hearing the same words from others may not. I know … this is complicated!

So, since I’m writing this for those who support caregivers, as well as caregivers themselves, here is a list of 18 more supportive ways to say, “Stay strong.” Some of my favorites are “This doesn’t define you,” “Your strength is inspiring,” and “You are not alone.”

And for caregivers, I do want to reinforce this week’s message that every challenge we face makes us stronger. Yet, being strong is hard work, and it’s tiring. Sometimes, all the self-talk, stress-reduction techniques, and talk therapy just aren’t enough. For those days, I’ve stopped focusing on “one day at a time,” and now I embrace life just one moment at a time. Today, one micro-moment at a time, I will dig deep for the wisdom to remember what I can control (and all the things I can’t control). That’s what keeps me going.

The strength, resilience, and courage YOU have shown throughout the days and moments of YOUR life’s journey have combined to empower YOU. In our eyes, this is not what defines you, but it’s what makes us BELIEVE in you.