“You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know”
If we are truly honest with ourselves, we must admit that there are a lot of things we don’t know. Our perceptions are limited by many things, including our experiences, values, culture, personality, family, social skills, and relationships. But despite these limitations, our perceptions are all we have to inform our world view and the way we interact with others.
So managing our perceptions may be difficult to do, but the good news is that we do have the ability to change … including the way we view others, and the way others view us. It’s a continuous process that takes time and practice, and it’s all part of a growth mindset. It requires being open to new experiences, challenging our long-held beliefs, and exploring new evidence that supports or tests our beliefs.
For example, many years ago, I received feedback from someone who thought I was “intimidating.” This was a perception of me that I could not believe. I had always tried to be the opposite of intimidating. Yet, this was an honest perception that someone had of me. When I brought it up to a trusted friend, she suggested that I might seem intimidating because I always appeared organized, poised, and confident.
Since then, I’ve worked hard to let the world see the REAL me … that I don't have it all together … that I’m a perfectly imperfect perpetual work in progress, taking this journey of life one moment at a time. And I continue to ask for feedback from colleagues and trusted friends and family members about how I’m doing. I’m always glad to receive that feedback because it often tells me something I don’t know about others’ perceptions of me and my perceptions of the world.
Again, it’s not easy to change, and we all could use some help, whether it’s changing our own views or someone else’s view of us. Here are five steps that may help you manage perceptions:
NOTICE: How do others react to your behaviors?
REFRAME: Focus on positive perceptions of emotions and experiences rather than negative ones (e.g., “that person is enthusiastic” rather than “that person is too loud”).
GET FEEDBACK: Ask a trusted friend or colleague how they see you.
MODIFY: Based on the feedback you receive, what do you want to change? Start small.
VALIDATE & CHALLENGE: Validate appropriate behavior, and challenge incorrect perceptions.
Having a growth mindset allows us to be introspective and change those behaviors and beliefs that are not serving us well. It also allows us to change how others see us. Based on YOUR vision for YOUR life, how do YOU want to be seen?