Coping with Grief and Loss at the Holidays
“During your time of grief, the very rituals of the holidays can help you survive them.” ~ Alan Wolfelt
While we covered grief and loss as our topic way back in April (you can search what I’ve shared about grief over the years on our blog here), I wanted to share that we lost our 92-year-old-Dad last week, and one of the ways I process my grief and loss is through writing and sharing my story. It also feels like a good time to share some thoughts around coping with grief and loss at the holidays - for me, and perhaps for you, too? Even if you haven’t lost someone you love physically, as caregivers we face complicated grief and ambiguous loss in our caring every day.
I feel very grateful that our Dad lived a long and full life, and his mind remained intact until the very end. He was complicated, as most of us are, and so while every day wasn’t good, there was something good in every day. Life landed him living with my family for the last 18 years - which offered many life lessons for myself and the entire family. I was afforded a first-hand look at aging in place - and it was both terrifying and motivating at the same time. After a fall in April, he lived the last few months in a nursing home, as his needs exceeded what we could provide him at home. He was not happy about this in any way shape or form - and communicated that to us, and anyone who would listen, very clearly. My sisters and I, our spouses and kids, AND the granddogs (therapy dogs in the end), all spent many hours visiting, sharing stories, laughing and crying, eating ice cream, and sharing in his frustrations. He was still networking, connecting, and giving each of us tips - “connect here” - “write here” - “so-and-so can help you here” until his last day. My sisters and I had the privilege of being able to be with our Dad, holding his hand as he took his last breath. He is finally at peace, pain and distress-free. We were surrounded by an incredible support team - the “just right people” that we needed in his, and our, time of need. We were afforded the luxury of time to plan and prepare for this moment - emotionally and physically. We have in fact been at peace for many months - yet, facing the finality of this moment, is still very hard.
In the last few years I was brought to the work of Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, founder and director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. Wolfelt's approach to grief encourages "companioning" the bereaved and allowing them to lean into their feelings rather than trying to "fix" them or rush the process. He reminds us, “Be open to the possibility of happiness during the holidays. And if and when you do feel glimpses of happiness, do so without guilt. You are still alive, and finding happiness means you are carrying on with your life’s purpose.” His words acknowledge a painful truth: few experiences are more heartbreaking than grieving a loved one during a season that celebrates togetherness and joy. The contrast between our sorrow and the festive world around us can make our pain feel even sharper.
While only time can soften the weight of our loss, the hope remains that we find comfort in knowing that the heaviness will gradually ease. Time will not erase our grief, but it can make the burden more bearable.
With the holiday season approaching, it’s completely understandable to feel unprepared to face this tender and difficult chapter of the grieving process. You are not alone in this, and your feelings, whatever they are, are valid. This needs to be a judgment-free, shame-free time.
Wolfelt's philosophy, detailed in his book Healing Your Holiday Grief: 100 Practical Ideas for Blending Mourning and Celebration During the Holiday Season, provides several practical ideas for navigating the holiday season:
Acknowledge and Express Feelings: It's okay to feel a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, and even joy. Crying is a healthy and normal part of the process.
Be Compassionate with Yourself: Lower your expectations and be both gentle and kind to yourself. Recognize that you are going through a physically and emotionally stressful time.
Prioritize and Simplify: You don't have to participate in every holiday activity or maintain all previous traditions. Focus on what matters most to you, and it's okay to say "no" to things that feel too heavy. Give yourself permission to say “no,” leave early, change traditions, or simplify plans. Grief requires emotional energy, and boundaries protect us from overextending when our heart is already carrying extra weight.
Honor the Loved One: Find ways to incorporate the memory of your loved one into the holidays, perhaps by lighting a candle, preparing their favorite food, or doing something they always loved to do. Share a story, display a photo, play a favorite song, or set aside a quiet moment to honor the person you’re missing. Rituals give our emotions a place to land and help us stay connected to meaning rather than feeling overwhelmed by pain.
Seek Support: Surround yourself with people who understand and respect your needs and feelings. Find someone who will listen without judgment or trying to offer solutions. People mean well, but often don’t know what to say or do. For those who offer to support you, be clear about what you need and how they can best support you.
Embrace Memories: Memories can be a source of comfort. Allow yourself to reflect on happy times, and know it's okay if those memories bring both laughter and sadness.
Let Yourself Feel Both Grief and Joy: Give yourself space to laugh, cry, reminisce, or rest—without judging any of it. The holidays can hold both sorrow and moments of light. Allowing both helps regulate emotions, reduces guilt, and supports healing rather than forcing a single “right” way to grieve.
For more resources and information, you can visit the Center for Loss & Life Transition website founded by Dr. Wolfelt. You can also find all of our favorite grief and loss resources on our website here.
In my Dad’s honor - consider writing (or typing as he did on his classic typewriter) a letter to let someone you love know how much they mean to you, why you're grateful for them, or something inspirational. You may never know how much a letter makes a difference in someone else's life. This was his legacy for us ♥️
And, if the holidays feel hard for you in ANY way … don’t forget I, and members of our team, will be available for our daily Holiday Meet Ups - every Monday through Friday in the month of December from 1-2 pm ET on Zoom. No agenda - no focus - just time and space to be together.
Thank you for allowing me to share my story of grief and loss this holiday.