Interrupting the Automatic “Yes”
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” — Brené Brown
As I prepare to pass the leadership of Courage to Caregivers to Angel, I’ve been thinking about what it really means to empower someone else to lead. I’m discovering that it isn’t simply handing over responsibilities. It’s also making room for a new leader to find her own voice—even when that voice might say, “I think we should do this differently.”
That may sound obvious. In practice, it’s harder.
I founded Courage to Caregivers 10 years ago, and there are reasons we do things the way we do. There are lessons learned, mistakes made, values we hold strongly, and parts of our culture that feel deeply important to me. Angel respects all of that—sometimes so much that I think she worries about disappointing me.
Yet, I don’t want Angel to become another version of me. I want her to become the very best version of her.
That means she needs the freedom to question things. To change things. To say, “No, I don’t think that’s where we should put our energy.” And perhaps just as importantly, I need to be willing to hear her.
There’s a caregiving lesson in this, too.
So often, we say yes because we don’t want to disappoint someone we love. We want to help. We want to keep the peace. We may even convince ourselves that because we can do something, we should.
But healthy relationships make room for both yes and no.
Learning to say no isn't about caring less. It’s about developing the confidence to recognize our capacity, communicate our needs, and make choices that align with what matters most.
3 TOOLS FOR LEARNING TO SAY NO
1) The Yes Test
Before answering a request, ask:
Do I have the capacity?
Is this actually mine to do?
What will I have to give up if I say yes?
If saying yes requires sacrificing something important—sleep, health, another commitment, or needed downtime—that information belongs in the decision.
Caregiver reminder: Every yes costs us something. Make sure it’s worth the cost.
2) The Pause Phrase
Many of us say yes before we've even considered whether we can actually do something. Instead, practice creating space before answering:
“Let me think about that and get back to you.”
That small pause interrupts the automatic yes and gives us time to check our capacity rather than responding from guilt, pressure, or habit.
3) The Kind, Clear No
We don't need a lengthy explanation to make our no legitimate. Try this simple formula:
Acknowledge + No + Optional Alternative
“I know this is important, but I can't take that on today.”
Or:
“I can't drive you to the appointment, but I can help you think through another option.
The goal isn't to make everyone happy with our boundary. The goal is to communicate it clearly, respectfully, and without over-explaining.
Whether we’re caring for someone we love, working alongside others, or stepping into leadership, sometimes finding our own voice begins with realizing that we are allowed to use it to say no.