Your Complaints May Be Telling You Something

"The things you complain about most often are indicators of where you need better boundaries." ~ Nedra Glover Tawwab, "Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself"

Here’s a confession from a reluctant caregiver (me): I’m a complainer. Or at least that’s how I FEEL right now. Yet, I also like to think of myself as “tuned in”—caring, aware, observant, kind, resilient, determined. I have realistic expectations, hold on to hope, and am realistically optimistic.

Nedra Tawwab’s quote has me reflecting on what all this could be telling me. It highlights a powerful truth: Frustration is often a signal, not just a feeling. 

For caregivers, complaints about feeling overwhelmed, unappreciated, or the need to be constantly available are clues that our personal limits are being stretched or ignored. Instead of dismissing these emotions, this quote encourages us to pay attention to them as guidance. It reframes complaints not as weaknesses or failures, but as opportunities to identify where support, structure, or change is needed.

Ultimately, it empowers us as caregivers to take back control of our time, energy, and emotional health by setting healthy boundaries that protect our well-being.

I often talk about my “capacity to care”, which I define as a finite sphere. I have a finite amount of resources to give to others (time, energy) on a daily, weekly, or ongoing basis. Maybe you feel this way, too. There's only so much of you to go around. Some days it feels as if everyone wants something from you—a "piece" of you. (We're not PIE.) 

Healthy boundaries allow us to protect our capacity to care. Examining your "capacity to care" as an unpaid family caregiver is essential for preventing burnout and maintaining your emotional, physical, and mental well-being.

Here are three practical tools to help assess and honor your limits:

1. Daily Energy and Emotion Check-In. A brief self-reflection practice to assess how you're feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally each day. This practice increases awareness of when you're running on empty so you can course-correct before hitting burnout.

• Ask yourself:

  • What’s my energy level (1–10)?

  • How am I feeling emotionally (e.g., calm, anxious, resentful)?

  • What’s one thing I need today to support myself?

2. Caregiving Inventory or Load Map. A simple list or visual breakdown of all caregiving tasks you’re managing (medical, emotional support, scheduling, etc.). This process clarifies your current load and helps identify what’s manageable versus what’s overwhelming.

• Write down your caregiving responsibilities and note which tasks are most draining or emotionally charged. Then, highlight areas where you might delegate, share, or reduce tasks.

3. “What’s Mine to Hold?” Journal Prompt. A journaling or reflection tool to differentiate between your responsibilities and what’s outside your control. Reflecting and writing about your responsibilities builds clarity and boundaries around your caregiving role, reducing guilt and over-responsibility.

• Write out a situation that feels heavy. Then ask:

  • What’s truly mine to hold?

  • What am I trying to control that isn’t mine?

  • What support or boundary do I need here?

These tools foster mindful caregiving and remind you that your capacity is not limitless—and that’s okay. Noticing and honoring your limits is an act of LOVE, both for yourself and the person you care for.