Carry the Grief, but Count the Blessings
“Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.” — Megan Devine
There are ALL kinds of grief and loss that caregivers face on a daily basis. I’m choosing to focus on the one that I battle with every day—ambiguous loss. Ambiguous loss is a form of grief that occurs when there is no clear closure or resolution, such as when a loved one is physically present but psychologically changed, or psychologically present but physically absent. It’s that feeling that the future you envisioned for yourself and your loved one, no matter the relationship, is different and may never unfold as planned.
As I have disclosed in the past, I do spend time comparing myself to others—which I know isn’t good nor healthy—but it sometimes feels unavoidable. In my season of life, many of my friends’ young adult kids are getting married and having babies. They’re picking their grandma names. All very fun. I DO stand united with them to celebrate; yet, a part of me grieves that I may never have these opportunities.
Then, last week, I had a huge revelation while I was on vacation with my entire family—my husband and our three young adult kids. It didn’t take much reframing to recognize that our kids LIKE us. They enjoy spending time with us (we all have limits), and they want to be with us on vacation. Everyone got along well (most of the time). What a BLESSING it is to have this precious family time with my young adult kids. Should they find partners and start families of their own one day, these types of experiences may dwindle. So I choose to look at these moments as blessings.
3 TOOLS FOR NAVIGATING AMBIGUOUS LOSS:
Name the Loss: Ambiguous grief is often invisible, which can make it harder to process. We can build awareness by gently identifying what feels different or changed—roles, routines, independence, identity, or expectations for the future. Writing a short reflection, journaling prompt, or even completing the sentence “Something that has changed for me is…” helps validate that our feelings are real and worthy of care. Naming loss reduces emotional suppression and helps prevent unresolved grief from becoming chronic stress.
Practice Both/And Thinking: Ambiguous grief often contains mixed emotions—love and sadness, gratitude and frustration, hope and disappointment. We can remind ourselves that two things can be true at the same time. For example: We can deeply care for someone and still grieve how life has changed. Practicing “both/and” thinking builds emotional flexibility, a key protective factor that supports resilience and reduces feelings of guilt or self-judgment.
Create Ongoing Rituals of Acknowledgment: Because ambiguous loss does not always have closure, we can create small, meaningful ways to honor what has changed. This might include lighting a candle, taking a reflective walk, creating a “then and now” journal page, or setting aside intentional moments to acknowledge milestones or transitions. Rituals provide structure for processing emotions, helping us carry grief in ways that feel supportive rather than overwhelming.
Together, these tools help us respond to grief with awareness, compassion, and adaptability. By making space for the complex emotions that accompany caregiving, we strengthen protective factors that allow us to continue showing up with steadiness, connection, and sustainable energy.
When we can tend to our hearts, as well as our responsibilities, we allow ourselves to move forward with courage while still carrying love.