Growing Around the Guilt and Shame
“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” ~ Brené Brown
If there’s anything I know about guilt and shame, it’s that they thrive in the darkness. Digging deep into those dark recesses is hard to do. But when you’re ready, you can bring these thoughts out into the sunshine where shame can’t live.
My journey with guilt and shame is closely aligned with my journey of grief and loss. Someone asked me recently how I felt after my brother died by suicide (in 2014). I mentioned that grief never really goes away, we grow around it. I also mentioned that the immediate guilt I felt—the most profound guilt of my life—was also something that I'm not sure I will ever “get over”. But it is something I can grow around.
As my brother’s emotional caregiver, I felt like I was trying to “save him” from himself, but I now know that’s not something you can actually do for someone else. He had called me in 2010 when he was experiencing suicidal ideation, why hadn’t he called me this time? I felt that I could have—should have—done something. This was the story I was telling myself, and the guilt was eating me up.
After the suicide, we found a therapist who specialized in traumatic loss and helped us navigate those first few difficult months. How to talk to our parents, how to manage all of our complicated feelings, and how to share our story. All of these things have helped me grow around the grief … and the guilt.
Here are some tools to strengthen self-awareness, reduce shame, and help us care for ourselves while caring for others.
3 TOOLS TO REDEFINE GUILT & SHAME:
Name It to Tame It (Awareness + Reframe)
When we notice feelings of guilt or shame, we pause and name them without judgment: “This is guilt showing up.” Then we gently reframe by asking, “What is this trying to teach me?” This shifts us from self-criticism to curiosity, helping us respond rather than react.Reality Check the Story
When guilt or shame surfaces, we take a moment to examine the story we’re telling ourselves. We ask: “Is this expectation realistic? Would I say this to someone I care about?” This tool helps us challenge perfectionism and replace it with more balanced, compassionate thinking.Permission Slips for Boundaries
We intentionally give ourselves permission to meet our own needs without apology. This might sound like: “I am allowed to rest,” or “Saying no is part of sustainable caregiving.” Writing or repeating these “permission slips” helps us release guilt tied to boundaries and protect our energy over time.
Feelings of guilt and shame can eat you up from the inside out. Shining light on those feelings may not make them go away, but letting others in can help the healing process, and your guilt and shame can begin to subside.