The Opposite of Shame
This week, we’re talking about two feelings that can be hard to understand, recognize, and respond to, even though they are common to all of us. The words “guilt” and “shame” are often used interchangeably, but they are very different. The fact that it is so hard for many of us to distinguish between the two and focus on them openly led us to think about them in a different way, which is why we chose redefining guilt and shame as this week’s topic.
First, it’s important to know the difference between the two: Guilt is a feeling we have when we do something that is against our values, while shame is a belief about our unworthiness as a person, often associated with an action that we feel guilty about. As Brené Brown puts it, guilt is “I did something bad,” while shame is “I am bad.”
Because these feelings can be so deeply held, it can be hard for us to open up about them. It takes courage to talk about guilt and shame because we fear being judged, criticized, or rejected. Even our self-talk can make us believe the worst if we let shame take over.
That’s why it’s so important that we redefine the way we look at guilt and shame, acknowledge our feelings, and work on our resilience as part of our growth journey. Again, according to Brené Brown, building that resilience requires the opposite of shame, which is empathy and self-compassion. If you haven’t seen it, I encourage you to watch her TED talk, "The Power of Vulnerability."
And here’s a summary of the five steps on how to move from shame to self-compassion from The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine:
Understand “The Nature of Shame.” Shame is normal.
Label shame for what it is: an emotion.
Replace judgment with curiosity. Curiosity about your emotions can help you shift into a more caring and understanding perspective.
Acknowledge your inner critic. Remind your inner critic that you are a work in progress, trying to navigate the best you can.
Practice what is helpful, not harmful. Try to speak to yourself as you would speak to a friend. Ask yourself what actions would be helpful for recovering from this experience, rather than actions that might perpetuate it.
Remember that shame thrives in silence. Openness and a willingness to talk about it with a therapist or trusted friend, or just examining your feelings yourself, can be ways to build your shame resilience. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend, address your inner critic, and find out what works best for YOU.