Life Is Not a True/False Test
How often do you find yourself thinking in extremes? … I’m either a success or a failure … I’m either right or wrong … You’re either with me or against me.
When we find ourselves thinking in terms of true or false, good or bad, my way or the highway, we fail to recognize that the world is complex, diverse, and filled with shades of gray. Instead, we experience cognitive distortions that inhibit our growth mindset. We use words like “always,” “never,” “impossible,” or “perfect” when we evaluate ourselves and others. We become stuck in our own thinking and limited in our relationships. And we have little chance to learn from our mistakes.
When we see the world as made up of only two extremes, we miss out on all the possibilities and opportunities that surround us. By letting go of polarized thinking, we open ourselves up to growth. Being open-minded to other beliefs and viewpoints allows us to see things in a new light and recognize that other opinions have value, too.
Opening our minds means replacing our “either/or” thinking with “both/and” thinking. Both sides can be “right.” Two different experiences of the same situation can co-exist. Growth and healing can occur when we understand that someone else’s perspective can be valid even if it differs from our beliefs or opinions.
Yet, I know personally that finding the middle ground can be a struggle at times. To make it a little easier, here are five tools for embracing a both/and mindset:
NOTICE: When you find yourself using either/or thinking, open yourself to inserting both/and instead. Ask yourself: Can BOTH of these things be true? Can I feel multiple feelings at the same time?
LOOK FOR BOTH SIDES: There are always at least two sides to every situation. I can be right, AND you can be right. Look for the truth from every viewpoint.
NEVER OR SOMETIMES? Notice how often you say “never.” Consider saying “sometimes” instead.
BALANCE OPPOSITES: Validate opposing truths when you don’t agree. Accept the reality that opposing views can co-exist. I don’t have to like it or adhere to it, but I can understand it.
EMBRACE PARADOX: “Paradox is defined as … Contradictory, yet interdependent elements that exist simultaneously and persist over time.” – Wendy Smith and Marianne Lewis, Both/And Thinking.
And remember this quote from Maya Angelou: “If you cannot make a change, change the way you have been thinking. You might find a new solution.” When it comes to eliminating extremes, your thoughts are in YOUR control; they don’t control YOU.