Managing Through the Messiness
“If I pretend to myself that I’m different from the way I truly am, I’m going to make choices that won’t make me happy.” — Gretchen Rubin
I’ve written about Gretchen Rubin’s book, The Four Tendencies, before. After reading it a few years ago, I just knew we had to add “managing expectations” as one of the topics in our curriculum! Besides healthy boundaries and navigating guilt and shame, I’d say managing expectations is one of the things we talk about most with caregivers.
If there’s anything I know about personal growth, it’s that growth isn’t linear, it’s messy. For me, growth in caregiving often looks like learning the same lesson more than once, adjusting plans mid-stream, or redefining what progress even means. Messiness isn’t a sign that something is wrong—it’s a sign that you’re responding to real, changing circumstances.
When this messiness interferes with our expectations, caregivers tend to turn inward. Unrealistic expectations can quietly drain our energy and hope, especially when we expect ourselves to function as if the situation weren’t hard. Feeling overwhelmed, resentful, sad, or conflicted doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you’re human in the face of sustained responsibility and uncertainty. Managing expectations helps shift the question from “What’s wrong with me?” to “What makes sense given what I’m carrying right now?”
Meeting yourself where you are is not giving up; it’s a protective factor. Expectations grounded in self-awareness allow us to conserve energy and make choices that are more sustainable over time. That might mean letting go of routines that no longer fit, asking for help earlier than we’d planned, or redefining what a “good day” looks like. Instead of needing to accomplish everything, we can consider a good day as one in which we focus on staying regulated, connected, and intact.
3 TOOLS FOR MANAGING EXPECTATIONS:
1) Reality Check & Reframe: Regularly pause to ask: “Is this expectation realistic right now?” When expectations are based on guilt, comparison, or past versions of ourselves, we can gently reframe them to match our current capacity. This reduces self-criticism and helps us respond with flexibility instead of frustration.
2) Clear Communication & Boundary Statements: Consider simple, compassionate language to clarify what you can and cannot do right now (e.g., “I can help with this, but not that,” or “This is what support would look like for me.”) Naming expectations early prevents resentment, miscommunication, and emotional overload.
3) Priority Mapping (Must-Do vs. Nice-to-Do): Sort responsibilities into what truly must happen versus what can wait, change, or be shared. This tool helps us conserve energy, let go of perfectionism, and focus on what most protects our well-being and the well-being of those we support.
Managing expectations begins with self-honesty, not self-criticism. Caregiving doesn’t require perfect plans or constant optimism. It requires flexibility—expectations that can bend as needs change. When we allow ourselves to be imperfect, we create space for learning, repair, and realistic hope. This kind of hope isn’t about denying hardship; it’s about believing that growth is still possible, even when the journey is messy.