Finding Meaning in the Gray Areas
"Finding comfort in discomfort is essential - it opens up the possibility of Both/And leading to more creative, generative solutions." ~ Wendy Smith, Both/And Thinking
As a caregiver, you know all too well that daily life is often filled with complex, painful emotions: exhaustion, love, resentment, guilt, pride—sometimes all at once. It’s natural to want to fight these emotions or to shut down to keep yourself from feeling them. But if you have the courage to accept the discomfort, you can open yourself up to the benefits of Both/And thinking—the ability to acknowledge multiple truths at once.
I’m a huge fan of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which is grounded in the understanding that life is full of contradictions, and that these opposing truths can create emotional distress. DBT teaches that two seemingly conflicting things can both be true at the same time. By using the word “and” instead of “but,” we can hold and accept these opposing realities while also working toward change.
Some examples of dialectical thinking include:
An emotion can be valid and unhelpful at the same time.
I can fully believe a thought, and that thought may still be inaccurate.
I can love someone deeply and feel angry with them.
Life can bring both pain and despair and moments of joy and meaning.
Using "and" instead of "but" can foster more positive and collaborative communication with your loved ones. By using "and", you acknowledge both sides of a statement, leading to a more inclusive and balanced message. This approach can reduce defensiveness, encourage dialogue, and promote a sense of shared understanding.
3 TOOLS TO EMBRACE A BOTH/AND MINDSET
Practice Naming Both Realities Out Loud. When faced with strong emotions, you can intentionally name both sides of what you are feeling. Example: "I am deeply grateful to care for my mother, AND I am overwhelmed by the responsibility."
Use Reflective Journaling with "Both/And" Prompts. Journaling prompts like, "Today I feel both ___ AND ___" or "I am both ___ AND ___ in this moment," help caregivers notice the coexistence of seemingly conflicting experiences.
Adopt Mindful Self-Compassion Practices. Mindfulness-based practices teach caregivers to observe thoughts and feelings without judgment. A simple practice: place a hand over your heart, breathe deeply, and say, "This is hard, AND I am doing my best."
By staying open and curious in the midst of hard emotions, you can discover more flexible, compassionate, and sustainable ways to cope, rather than feeling trapped by rigid or extreme thinking. Also known as polarized or black-and-white thinking, extreme thinking is a mindset that views the world in all-or-nothing terms, making it hard to find balance or recognize the complexity and nuance of real-life situations. When we use words like “always,” “never,” or “impossible,” or think in rigid either/or terms (like “you’re with me or against me”), we fall into cognitive distortions that can get in the way of healthy relationships and meaningful connections.
When we release black-and-white thinking and make space for Both/And thinking, we open the door to deeper understanding and growth. It’s challenging to appreciate different viewpoints when we only see the world in extremes—either all good or all bad. By staying open-minded, we begin to notice that the in-between spaces—the gray areas—can offer valuable insight and meaning, too.