Blog — Courage to Caregivers

Your Complaints May Be Telling You Something

"The things you complain about most often are indicators of where you need better boundaries." ~ Nedra Glover Tawwab, "Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself"

Here’s a confession from a reluctant caregiver (me): I’m a complainer. Or at least that’s how I FEEL right now. Yet, I also like to think of myself as “tuned in”—caring, aware, observant, kind, resilient, determined. I have realistic expectations, hold on to hope, and am realistically optimistic.

Nedra Tawwab’s quote has me reflecting on what all this could be telling me. It highlights a powerful truth: Frustration is often a signal, not just a feeling.

EmpowermentKristi HornerJune 19, 2025Boundaries, Healthy Boundaries

Holding Space, Without Limits

"I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so."

~Elphaba, Defying Gravity, Wicked

In preparing the social media for this week, I ran across a powerful blog by Heather Plett, from the Centre for Holding Space, "Holding Space and Defying Gravity (on feeling invisible and finding power)," and she inspired me to think about that powerful song from one of my favorite musicals, "Wicked," with regards to holding space for ourselves as caregivers.

The Elphaba quote from "Wicked" — "I'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so." — powerfully reflects what it means for us as unpaid family caregivers to hold space for ourselves.

EmpowermentKristi HornerJune 12, 2025Holding Space For Yourself, Holding Space

Stuck on a Problem? Adopt a Creative Mindset.

“The most creative people are motivated by the grandest of problems that are presented before them.” ~ Neil deGrasse Tyson

If you’re a caregiver, you’re also a problem solver. But have you ever thought about how much you tap into your creativity when you solve those problems?

Using our creative abilities for problem-solving is especially important for unpaid family caregivers (or professional caregivers). Our roles often involve navigating complex, unpredictable, and emotionally charged situations with limited resources, so it helps to develop a mindset to come up with creative solutions.

MAY 2025 Newsletter: Growth Mindset - The Power to Believe in Ourselves

"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." - Maya Angelou

Failure can feel terrifying. We worry about the consequences. We struggle with managing our own and others' expectations. We stress over how our friends, family, and community may perceive us. When we have so many things to fear, it can feel easy to quit or not even try. In moments where we do fail or perceive ourselves as failing, the shame and guilt of it can hold us back further.

However, a GROWTH MINDSET reminds us of the possibility of learning and growing from our failures. Messing up does not have to be the end. We can make lessons out of our mistakes and find the strength to continue. With a growth mindset, perfection is not the goal. Fostering our belief in ourselves and our ability to learn is the objective.

3 TOOLS TO FOSTER A GROWTH MINDSET

Believe inYourself - You can't start learning if you don't believe in your capability to change and grow. How do you talk to yourself in your mind? Trade demeaning self-talk for self-compassionate words.
Making Mistakes Is Part of the Process - It's hard to learn if you are not willing to make the mistakes that teach you how you can grow. Mistakes can be lessons and they do not have to define you.
Be a Life-Long Learner - What piques your curiosity? Even everyday things like wondering how you can change your morning routine can lead to self-growth. Take the time to find what you are passionate about and learn!

Check out the entire May 2025 Newsletter here.

Recommit to Progress, Not Perfection

“Success is not the absence of failure; it’s the persistence through failure.” – Aisha Tyler

Life is unpredictable—especially for unpaid family caregivers. Sometimes, we have to revisit our intentions and adjust our goals realistically. This allows us to celebrate our progress (even if it's imperfect) and stay motivated through changing circumstances. It’s also a chance to reflect on what still matters to us and to move forward with renewed purpose, instead of letting the momentum fade.

Shine Your Light, and Watch Shame Subside

"The difference between shame and guilt is the difference between ‘I am bad’ and ‘I did something bad.’ " ~ Brené Brown

With all of the demands you have on your time and attention as a caregiver, have you ever felt as if what you do is never ENOUGH? Thoughts like that can lead to shame. Shame is internal, personal, and tied to our identity. Guilt, on the other hand, stems from actions, not identity.

Growth MindsetKristi HornerMay 15, 2025Guilt, Shame

Finding Meaning in the Gray Areas

"Finding comfort in discomfort is essential - it opens up the possibility of Both/And leading to more creative, generative solutions." ~ Wendy Smith, Both/And Thinking

As a caregiver, you know all too well that daily life is often filled with complex, painful emotions: exhaustion, love, resentment, guilt, pride—sometimes all at once. It’s natural to want to fight these emotions or to shut down to keep yourself from feeling them. But if you have the courage to accept the discomfort, you can open yourself up to the benefits of Both/And thinking—the ability to acknowledge multiple truths at once.

What Sparks Your Curiosity?

"If knowledge is power, then curiosity is the muscle." ~ Danielle LaPorte

In a society that places so much value on certainty and expertise, it can take courage to acknowledge that we don’t have all the answers. It also requires vulnerability, allowing us to be a “curious learner” (as one of my SHEros Brené Brown describes it). While vulnerability can feel uncomfortable, it is a crucial step toward authenticity, growth, and self-discovery.

Growth MindsetKristi HornerMay 1, 2025Staying Curious

APRIL 2025 Newsletter - Common Humanity Thrives in All of Us

APRIL THEME: COMMON HUMANITY

"Self-compassion is rooted in our common humanity. When we struggle or make mistakes, there’s often an irrational but pervasive sense of isolation – as if 'I' were the only person in the world having this painful experience. All humans suffer, however. Not the same way or the same amount, but the very definition of being 'human' means being vulnerable, flawed and imperfect. When we are self-compassionate, we recognize that our suffering connects us rather than separates us from others." ~ Dr. Kristin Neff

As Dr. Kristin Neff puts aptly here, being human means we have vulnerabilities and flaws, and that we make mistakes. In our caregiving, we often feel the pressure to be "perfect" and make the right decisions all the time. It becomes easy to feel isolated and as if no one understands what we are going through. However, COMMON HUMANITY reminds us that we are not alone. While our particular challenges and stories may be unique, the fact that we all know what it feels like to be vulnerable and imperfect allows us to build bridges to one another rather than close doors.

Life is hard. Our lives are full of both pain and joy. We experience complex grief and loss and the feelings of isolation that come with it. When we step back and remember we are not alone, we can break through that loneliness and find connection and belonging. Common humanity means acknowledging that we are never truly going through life by ourselves. Hand-in-hand, we can listen and support one another, acting with compassion toward others and ourselves.

3 Tools to Help Appreciate Our Common Humanity

Remember that we are not alone. It is sometimes easier to see what divides us instead of what brings us together. However, common humanity is not the absence of difference. Common humanity simply means recognizing that even with our differences, we are still human and have the capacity to connect with one another.
Practice self-compassion.As we emphasize here at Courage to Caregivers, we cannot be truly kind to others if we are not also taking care of ourselves. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can, and talk to yourself as you would talk to a beloved friend.
Embrace connections. Focus on what connects us to other people rather than what makes us different. By building connections based on our common humanity, we can support both ourselves and those around us.

Check out our entire April 2025 Newsletter focused on Common Humanity here.

The Gentle Nudge of Loneliness

“Loneliness is proof that your innate search for connection is intact.” — Martha N. Beck

Connection is the antidote to loneliness.

Breaking through loneliness is a key factor in preventing caregiver burnout because isolation intensifies stress, emotional exhaustion, and feelings of helplessness. There are many reasons why staying connected helps caregivers maintain their well-being:

Reduces Emotional Overload
Increases Access to Support
Strengthens Mental and Physical Health
Restores a Sense of Identity
Encourages Rest and Rejuvenation

Common HumanityKristi HornerApril 22, 2025Loneliness, Breaking Through Loneliness

Our Grief May Be Ambiguous, but It’s Real

"The Companioning Model of grief care reminds us that our helping role is not to 'fix what is broken,' but instead to 'nurture what is best.'" ~ Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt

We all know that caregiving can be complicated. Even our feelings can be ambiguous and hard to understand. This is known as ambiguous loss – a type of grief where a person experiences the loss of someone who is still physically present but emotionally or cognitively absent, such as in situations like dementia, brain injury, or mental illness. If caregivers don’t acknowledge and process this unique grief, it can lead to burnout, emotional exhaustion, and resentment.

I wasn’t aware of this type of grief journey until our son’s accident, leaving him with a traumatic brain injury and permanent brain damage. I have now come to realize that it is a very common form of loss, and many caregivers struggle with it because it lacks closure or clear resolution, making it difficult to fully grieve or heal.

Common HumanityKristi HornerApril 22, 2025Grief, loss

The Strongest Bridge Can Sway Without Breaking

"Vulnerability is the only bridge to build connection." ~ Brené Brown

I’ve struggled with this week’s email. Sometimes the topics are so perfectly timed for what I’m going through that the words just flow out. But this week, my words are STUCK.

Trust me, we ALL need to be talking about this week’s topic, building bridges, right NOW. And there’s SO much I want to say to those with whom I don’t share the same beliefs, values, or viewpoints. I have tried to meet those who see the world through a different lens with LOVE, but somehow it never feels like enough … and then, I don’t feel like enough. I’m tired and exhausted, and that’s what makes it so hard. (I did ask for support recently, and that is helping.)

Two important aspects of building bridges are tolerance and inclusion. Caregivers often have to tolerate not just differing opinions but also stress, emotional outbursts, and sometimes unfair criticism from family members who aren’t as involved. But caregivers can’t always walk away from these conflicts. They must navigate them while ensuring the well-being of the person they care for. Tolerance is about managing emotional strain and disagreements with grace and resilience, while inclusion is about making sure both the caregiver and the care recipient are valued and involved in decision-making.

Common HumanityKristi HornerApril 3, 2025Building Bridges, Bridging Differences

MARCH 2025 Newsletter: Mindfulness - Showing Up for Ourselves!

"The richness of present-moment experience is the richness of life itself. Too often we let our thinking and our beliefs about what we ‘know’ prevent us from seeing things as they really are."

- Jon Kabat-Zinn

I don't know about you, but I find mindfulness extremely hard! With so many people, events, responsibilities, and stresses crowding for attention, finding the space and time to sit and be mindful feels downright impossible at times. For caregivers especially, practicing mindfulness can feel particularly difficult as we navigate the needs of our loved ones, often prioritizing their needs over our own.

However, as we emphasize at Courage to Caregivers, we cannot care for our loved ones without also caring for ourselves. MINDFULNESS is the practice of being aware of and accepting our thoughts, emotions, senses, and environment. (Source)

The benefits of mindfulness are plenty, ranging from improving our immune systems and sleep to helping us concentrate and cope with stress to strengthening our relationships and resilience (Source).

Mindfulness can be particularly helpful for caregivers in processing a wide range of emotions, as well as for enhancing our patience and compassion and ability to manage tasks and decisions (Source).

This month, we learned how to REGULATE EMOTIONS, BE PRESENT, and FIND HAPPINESS AND LAUGHTER. So how can we continue to practice mindfulness in our lives?

3 TOOLS FOR MINDFULNESS

Notice what exists vs. what we imagine. When we are stressed and overwhelmed, taking a moment to recognize what is our reality versus what we are worried might happen is vital to acknowledging our own emotions.
Sit with what actually is here. This could mean taking the time to notice our environment and surroundings or accepting what we can and cannot control in our situation.
Notice your thought patterns. What feels difficult about grounding yourself in reality? By recognizing how our mind is affecting our thoughts and emotions, we can feel more accepting and in control of our situation.

(Adapted from "Three Ways to Manage Dread" by Beth Kurland, Ph.D.)

Check out our entire March 2025 Newsletter focused on Mindfulness here.

Take a Laughter 🤣 Break

"You may not be able to change a situation, but with humor you can change your attitude about it."

– Allen Klein

As I’ve mentioned before, humor and laughter are two of my go-to coping mechanisms. My mom was the same way. She was pretty unflappable when we were little. Nothing much exasperated her with four kids around. She was cool in a crisis (maybe too cool) and usually found something to laugh about

Self-DiscoveryKristi HornerMarch 20, 2025Humor, Laughter

Take Some Time to Just BE

“In today’s rush, we all think too much - seek too much - want too much - and forget about the joy of just being.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Our young adult son living with a traumatic brain injury came to me recently and proclaimed, “You and Dad are people that get things done!” I’m going to take that as a compliment. Yet, it does cause me to pause and contemplate my ongoing intention to spend less time focused on DOING and more time focused on BEING.

If there is anything that caregivers are good at, it’s DOING. Don’t you just LOVE being able to tick things off of a good to-do list? I think what feels good about DOING is that it gives me the feeling that I am in control of something, when the world around me feels out of control.

What about BEING? That takes more intentional work—to create a practice of BEING.

Self-DiscoveryKristi HornerMarch 13, 2025Being Present, Living Mindfully

Let Serenity Guide Your Journey

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” ~ Reinhold Niebuhr

It’s one of the hardest things I have had to learn as a caregiver. Sometimes, the world appears to be overwhelming, and we may feel our emotions going out of control as we do our best to respond. When this happens, staying mindful and connected to the present moment can help us regain the ability to regulate our emotions. Sounds simple enough, right? But it’s not that simple.

Self-DiscoveryKristi HornerMarch 6, 2025Regulating Emotions

FEBRUARY 2025 Newsletter: The Self-Discovery Journey: Everyday is an Opportunity

Why can it be so hard to be kind to ourselves? If you find self-compassion difficult, you are not alone. Research has shown that sometimes even when we try to be compassionate to ourselves, we can feel worse, a phenomenon scholars call "backdraft" (The Greater Good Science Center). However, this month is all about SELF-DISCOVERY. When certain ways of practicing SELF-COMPASSION just aren't working, we have the opportunity to learn more about ourselves and seek out alternative strategies.

For example, if saying kind words to yourself isn't providing you the reassurance you need, the Greater Good Science Center suggests finding JOY through "behavioral self-compassion." This can mean going for a short walk, listening to music, or taking a quick snack break. As you seek different soothing activities, you may also IDENTIFY YOUR STRENGTHS. Which activities motivate you the most? What draws you to them?

By practicing self-compassion, finding joy, and identifying our strengths, we can discover more tools that can help us get through our daily lives. What opportunities do you have today for self-discovery?

3 TOOLS FOR SELF-DISCOVERY
1) Be Compassionate Toward Yourself. While this can feel easier said than done, remember that there are MANY ways to be compassionate toward yourself. Check out this toolkit from To Write Love On Her Arms for some suggestions!

2) Look for Joy in Your Life. Acknowledging joy in your life does not mean ignoring pain or sadness. Rather, finding joy can mean recognizing the small and big things that boost your soul and encourage you to keep going even during challenging times.

3) Identify Your Strengths. We all have strengths that motivate us and help us through difficult dilemmas, but identifying them can be tricky. Sometimes just starting with the activities you enjoy or what others have complimented you on can be a good start.

Check out our entire February 2025 newsletter focused on Self-Discovery here.

Self-DiscoveryKristi HornerFebruary 27, 2025Self-Compassion, Finding Joy, Identifying Your Strengths

Social Justice through Self-Compassion

“Self-compassion means standing up for what’s right. It’s about saying no to injustice and advocating for your rights and the rights of others with courage and kindness.” ~ Kristin Neff, PhD

Did you know that today, February 20, is the World Day of Social Justice, per the United Nations? I’ve been thinking a lot lately about kindness, compassion, and social justice. With everything going on in the world, I have felt frustrated, angry, hurt, and afraid (mostly for my loved ones who face stigmatizing and hateful attitudes from others). These emotions are all on top of the daily “caregiving” emotions of guilt, shame, and resentment. Everything around me feels out of my control. Yet, maybe we can honor this day with both kindness and compassion? That feels like something I can control.

Self-DiscoveryKristi HornerFebruary 20, 2025Self-Compassion

What Would You Say in a Valentine to You?

“I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence but it comes from within. It is there all the time.” ~ Anna Freud

I probably don’t have to remind you that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. No matter where I go, I am reminded by big displays of pink and red that it is a day to celebrate love. There’s no doubt a lot of cards and candy are sold for Valentine’s Day to help us express our love for others. But for our purposes, I want to encourage you to take some time to focus on self-love, too.

Self-DiscoveryKristi HornerFebruary 13, 2025Strengths, Identifying Your Strengths, Self-Love

The Constance of Joy

“Joy is always present - in the silver lining, in the resiliency, in our memories, in the connection to those who share your grief when it comes. It’s in the everyday world, on good days as well as bad ones. You only have to look for it, be confident that it’s there, and be open to it when you find it.”

~ Steven Petrow, “The Joy You Make: Find the Silver Linings - Even on Your Darkest Days”

As the quote above suggests, finding joy is an act of resilience and intentionality. That’s not to say it’s easy, with all our responsibilities and challenges as caregivers. But we CAN find joy amidst the chaos – find hope and light even in our darkest days – because we have the ability to control our own thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Self-DiscoveryKristi HornerFebruary 6, 2025Finding Joy